Hide and Seek

I could shout out loud here in my room. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! After two years and almost three months of being away, now I am going home.

 For the last days I wasn't sure if I could leave today because of some problems with my expired Iqama (resident permit). However, God has always been so good to me and I'm thanking him for that. With prayers and faith, nothing is impossible.

I am so excited that I could almost smell Manila's air. lol. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

Nakapagkwentuhan sila ni Papa. Nalulungkot din daw si JB kasi di kami nagkita. Sabi pa niya parang kelan lang ang liliit pa namin. Kahit di man namin napag-uusapan ang dahilan kung bakit naging mas malapit kami kesa sa iba naming pinsan, siguro dahil yun sa pareho naming alam ang pakiramdam na walang magulang na gumagabay sa mura naming mga gulang. Kung di ako nagkakamali, limang taon pa lamang siya nang pumanaw ang mama niya. Ako naman anim na taon nang magpunta ng Saudi si mama. Ang mga tatay naman namin ay parehong naghahanapbuhay sa Maynila. Kami, naiwan sa Surigao. Sa probinsiya na tanging Lola at mga titang hindi na nag-asawa ang nag-aalaga.


Madalas daw namin pag-awayan noon ang kubyertos. Ewan ko kung bakit, hindi ko na matandaan. Pero sabi niya, namimili raw kasi ako ng gagamitin ko. Bata pa lang pala talaga maarte na ako pagdating sa kubyertos. Kaya pala hanggang ngayon, naiiyak ako kapag may ibang gumamit ng kutsara at tinidor ko. Gusto ko kasi magkapartner ang kutsara at tinidor. Dapat magkasingtimbang sila at magkamukha. Ayokong mas magaan yung isa. Dapat pareho talaga. Ayaw ko rin ng may hawakan na uso noon, yung parang may plastic o kaya kahoy na  hawakan. Ah! Basta dapat makinang at magkapareha. In short, nag-iinarteng bata. Nag-iinarteng bata rin kaya siya kasi nakikipag-agawan siya ng kubyertos sa akin? 

I can't seem to get over of thinking that in less than a month I will be going home. Yey! I am so excited! I'll get to meet my family, relatives and friends once again. God, I have been missing them. My mother already booked a flight going to Surigao for her, me and kuya so we can visit our grandma.. Although it is a lot better if Papa could come but my pocket would be emptied if he tags along. Anyways, he had his vacation last year there so he said its alright. And yes! I'm gonna meet my deathy for the first time! I'm planning not to tell him on when my flight is and surprise him by coming over wherever he is on that moment. Isn't it romantic?..I could just imagine how surprised he's gonna be. The room is too cold but if I'm gonna turn the air con off it will be very hot. O my gosh my tummy is aching, I am hungry but I'm too lazy to get out of this room. IV will be disturbed hearing the loud sound of our spooky door. Someone is in the kitchen, who could that be? What is she doing there in this ungodly hour. She might be hungry as well. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh! I might go to London. Oh! Let me rephrase it. I am going to London. Most people say that if you think positively, then whatever it is, it shall be given. So might as well be optimistic. My heart beats faster whenever I think of having the chance to go there. Dear Lord, help me on this one. Bulaga. As I am typing this I just said bulaga to indi. wahahaha..I tweaked something here in HNS and got rid of my old layout. The girl on that picture seem to be very exhausted, giving a negative aura. So I changed it to this minimalist yet very fresh look. I am not a Schiz. I just want to type anything that comes my mind waiting for sleepiness to take over my entity nyaha. Hmmm...what else what else. I miss my baby Jodie. That cute little girl who's always here every thursday. I wonder why Mama S don't bring her anymore? Well, its somehow okay though cause I get to rest after a long tiring week. Anyways, I do miss her. I mean a lot. IV is sleeping already. She has too, for she haven't slept yet since after our duty. Our sleep pattern is really abnormal. I have been telling myself not to eat chocolates but its so tempting that I fail to do so. Everyday is a failure. I eat chocolates everyday. Thanks to Roaccutane. I don't have zits after eating tons of these heavenly delight. 

If the pre-requisite of going to heaven will be passing a temper test, I'm afraid I'm not gonna make it. Thanks God it isn't because I just failed one today.

I wake up in the morning

Put on my face

The one that’s gonna get me

Through another day

Doesn’t really matter

How I feel inside

This life is like a game sometimes

Then you came around me

The walls just dissapeared

Nothing to surround me

Keep me from my fears

I’m unprotected

See how I’ve opened up

You’ve made me trust

 Chorus

Cause I’ve never felt like this before

I’m naked around you

Does it show

You see right through me

And I can’t hide

I’m naked around you

And it feels so right

I’m trying to remember

Why I was afraid

To be myself

And let the covers fall away

Guess I never had someone like you

To help me fit in my skin

I’m naked around you

Does it show

I’m naked around you

I’m so naked around you

And I can’t hide

You’re gonna see right through baby

My friend described the post yesterday as plainly whining and an excuse to leave, well he's right. He's always right that I wanna beat the pants off this guy. Naaaah kidding. Little did I know, I sooner realized something.Why in the world did I whine like that when there are gazillion more positive things that I should be thankful about?

I should be thankful for everything that surrounds me. Ranging from the air that I breathe in which its absence could mean death to the sunshine peeping through the window pane that signals a new day, another chance to live fully. From the chirping bird that kept my sanity intact on that very quiet afternoon to that once in a blue moon rain that I almost forgot the feeling of getting wet by it. From the skyscrapers that I never get the chance to see back home and to the orange to red-orange sand where it is so nice to play. Too many reasons that I can barely narrow to ten.

There's this Indonesian utility man who barely speaks English and yet greets me cheerfully with the only Tagalog words he know in a very odd accent. "Kumusta ka? Malamig wala mainit?". Isn't it cute?  There's this Egyptian accountant who has been very kind to me and my friends since day one. He used to have like only a couple of polo shirt and pants but with my little teasing that he should try different outfits everyday, he changed. From then on he always ask me if the color of his shirt is good. I was even surprised when I told him to wear pink the next day and he did. See how this little appreciation works? There's this colleague/mother figure who has been acting like my second mother providing me everything I want from pandesal to a henna dye because I cannot buy it myself due to transportation problems. There are these kabayans that I get to pass by in the supermarkets, in Batha, everywhere, making me feel as if I'm home. There's this guy whom I considered to be one of my best friends who never fail to send me an offline message or an e-mail even if I fail to do so most of the times. Bet you, he's the only one who knows this hiding place. Think of the people whose considered an outcasts who have been avoided by others because of their differences, their color, their illnesses. The students who get bullied everyday at school. They are longing for a humanly love and care. For this, I am thankful to the people that I mingle with everyday whom also have their own quest in life yet in their own little way, makes mine memorable. 

Hey! I am lucky that the management is kind enough not to lock us in our pad like other clinic and hospital does. We do not even have a curfew for this reason we can go anywhere and anytime we want. Where else in the world will somebody give you a hundred rial simply because they appreciate your work? In the Philippines? No you can't. Oh! I remember I saved a thousand bucks from the free unlimited supply of electricity, water and LPG. I was also spared from the transportation hassle which I have been avoiding. Travelling long hours and the scorching heat going to and fro work is one thing that I really don't like back home. Think of these thousands of people who do not have a job or just have been kicked out. It must have been very difficult for them to undergo job interviews but later on rejected. For this, I am thankful for having this job that despite the meager income I am whining about, still I am fortunate.

I do not have any serious disease that I know of, let it be that way. Think of those people who's been suffering from cancer, those who have been struggling of AIDS, those who have just diagnosed to be an  HIV positive. It must be very hard to see yourself deteriorating gradually, to feel an extreme pain that no medicine can take away. To choose between good health and good looks, I'd rather be healthy. Being healthy is a luxury that no one should ever take for granted. I am thankful that I am healthy.

I never get filthy and hungry simply because I do not have a home to stay, clothes to wear, food to eat and water to bathe. Think of those beggars at street who satisfy their selves from improvising a shanty out of cartons or finding comfort under the bridges. These people who had fallen victims of the natural calamities worldwide and poverty. I have all the necessities that these people have been denied of and for this I am thankful.

I  have wonderful parents and a brother who have been showering me with love since the day they knew about me. They are always there to support me in everything I do, to guide me to the right path, to remind me that everything's gonna be okay, to tap my back whenever I need it, and to do anything for me. Think of those unborn children who were deprived of seeing the world or experience being hugged by their parents, those who were abandoned when they were little and those orphans who can barely remember how their parents look like. For this, I am thankful for having my family.

An education was never denied from me. I am lucky that my parents gave me this with all their capabilities. Think of the people who can't  find a descent job simply because they cannot present a diploma and instead they opted to loiter in streets to gamble just to spare some time or ended as thieves.  For this, I am thankful.

Sometimes it is advisable that we drop everything we do, feel the comfort of silence, breathe some air and reflect on the good fortunes that we actually have rather than contemplating over something. All of these positive things are just there around somewhere waiting to be appreciated and get noticed. Even the simplest of things such as the black cloak that I whined about. It protected me from the undesirable stares of those men who seemed in thirst of seeing a woman. The air condition that keeps you cold despite a very hot summer day, the heater that keeps you warm during winter, the world wide web for saving your ass at school or when boredom strikes, the chat clients that bridges the gap between you and your love ones (all hail the inventor of these technologies), the movies and the music, the malls, your comfortable bed, your cellphone, and everything you can think of. Although there might be some people that you can't stand looking at, it can never outnumber those people who's making a mark in your existence. Smile at them, greet them, make them feel loved. Make them also realize that life is a very precious gift that God has given us. It is too precious to be wasted in dwelling over the negative ones. For my life, I am thankful to God.

7.  My skin is a huge disaster primarily due to the very dry climate. No matter how often I put lotion and creams on my my entire body it just wouldn't work. Imagine how hard it is to put a nivea cream? The one in a blue round can. It is like a battle and I get exhausted right after. Maybe nivea should develop this cream into an easy-to-spread consistency. Nevertheless, i'm sticking to it because its the best product here that combats extreme dryness like el-nino.

"Doctor, ayoko ng resulta nito nagmukha akong Filipina!"

Nanlaki talaga ang mga mata namin sa racist remark ng isang pasyente. Lahat kami kumulo ang dugo at kung pwede nga lang sabunutan namin siyang lahat ay nagawa na namin. Pero siyempre bukod sa dapat propesyonal ay nasa bansa pa kami na isang maling kibot mo maaaring buhay ang katapat. Sabi nga ng isang nandoon, ang sarap nya sabihan ng:

"P***** *** mo! Kaya ka nga nandito't nagpapaayos ng mukha dahil ang pangit mo! Puro kulubot na nga 'yang balat mo."

At dahil di rin naman kami mahilig magmura, walang kahit sinong umimik. Tanging malamig na pakikitungo na lamang ang naging ganti matapos ang isang di-kanais-nais na tagpo.

Truth is, nakakainis isipin na may mga lahing napakataas ang tingin sa mga sarili. Kung bakit ba kasi nauso diskriminasyon sa pagitan ng itim at puti, sa muslim at kristiyano, sa may asul na mata at sa itim na mata, sa kulot at sa tuwid o maging sa kumakain ng tinapay at kumakain ng kanin?

When I was younger I used to argue a lot. I didn't let anybody out-win me in any argumentation may it be a simple or a complex topic. There was a certain pain in my ego if I couldn't reason out. Mind you, I used to cry on my own whenever I wasn't understood by others.

As I grew older, I got tired of arguing. I became this easy to talk to lass. Whatever you want and if i believe it won't compromise me, i easily agree. Does it mean I am waving my white flag whenever I give in to other people's word? No, I refuse to believe it. Maybe I just lost my patience in long talks. I am opinionated yet I know now how to respect other's belief. That's your belief? Then fine, so be it. I won't bother myself in changing what you firmly believe no matter how sure I am that I am the one who's right. Well, I think it is better if you find the truth yourself rather than someone would force you to impart something.

Now, my 30 might increase to 63. I have talked to our Medical Director and he seemed very persistent that I should extend until the new nurses arrive. Claudine was right when she said that she won't be surprised if I extended. She knew very well that I hate to argue so sooner or later I might give in. Indi was right as well. I should have followed him when he told me to stop expecting.

Oh boy! As I am typing this, that "might" just turned to a "will". My 30 will increase to 62. I consulted my parents regarding this extension and they said its alright. They think it would better rather than insisting to go and then no one knows what the management would do about my refusal. We heard some stories about employees who were accused of something they didn't commit which resulted in not granting their due rewards. Worst case scenario will be imprisonment, an obvious injustice.

Am I becoming so whimsical in decision making? Anyway, I guess 62 days will pass hastily...well it must.

62.

This room will never be the same again. It is somehow odd not seeing her before I retire to bed. No one will force me to send a gift at farmville, nobody will yell at me by my full name whenever I fail to eat right away and there will be no one to listen to me when I have a lot to say. I will surely miss my room mate Gretchen. I'm also gonna miss Claudine.

As far as I am concern and if God permits, I'll be home soon in a matter or 31 days. Shall I say let the countdown begin now? A friend of mine once(?) said that I'll only be giving myself a heartache by expecting that I can go at the end of  March. It is not even final yet and I do not have a ticket. I still have to talk to the admin regarding this matter. I hate it! Why do I have to explain?..My contract had ended already and I will be extending for a month without them even asking me to do so. Wouldn't they just say thank you and allow me to leave? Nevertheless, I will still begin my countdown today.... Thirty one.